My Heart Is On My Sleeve

As yet another semester of college winds to a close, I've been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on where I'm going and how I got here. I feel like I've been finding more questions than answers. And so I jump off into the deep end...

Coming out of high school I felt like I had the world figured out. I had great grades, close friends, and guaranteed admittance to a fairly competitive engineering program. I wanted to enlist in the military as a way to participate in something that I feel is a cause worth pursuing but being a diabetic eliminated that choice immediately. And of course the idea that going to college was some immutable destiny was firmly planted in my head. College was just the next natural step after High School. It seemed like not going to college would be like volunteering to be homeless and I figured that since I had sailed through High School, I would soon be acing college classes as well. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The truth is I've not taken to the adjustment well at all. My grades have fallen off substantially from where they were in High School and seem to be declining still. The worst part is, I don't really care. Its not even a matter of being distracted or not having enough time, I just don't have interest. I've changed majors but I'm beginning to wonder if that even did anything to address the problem.

Maybe I didn't come in with the right attitude, I feel like my entire college experience has been disenchanted. My parents never went through the whole college experience and I have no older siblings to give me an idea of what things were going to be like. I often feel like I should be doing something greater with my time, something that would be far more valuable than hitting the books and sitting through lectures day in and day out. I got more satisfaction out of disassembling and repairing a DVD player (which I had never done before) the other day than I have from any of the highest grades I've received. I definitely do not feel like I am getting full value of my time here. Most of the people I have known well in my life have essentially told me that they have never doubted my ability to succeed, and I suppose I still don't either but as best as I can put it I don't want to.

I feel like college is comprised of work that I don't want to do and whine about doing. All I want to do is get the best possible grades with the least amount of work. I'm constantly looking for shortcuts and ways to get that easy A. I don't think paying thirty thousand a year to try and fool the Chemistry department is a good deal. I feel as though I am drifting with no perspective, or drive, or motivation. I don't feel like I am taking advantage of my time in college.

I've come to the conclusion that success is not a six figure salary, a luxurious home, a sweet ride, recognition, a degree, or even a family. Success is living the way you want to live! As much as I would like to find it I don't think there is a universal formula for success. But I do know that I'm only here because I feel like I should be here, not because I want to be. I feel like I should be traveling the world or hell even just working a job to try and support myself without my parents help. I never even had my first job until coming to college and that makes me feel somehow lacking. My mother moved away from home and started her life in the "real" world when she was only 18 and never looked back. My father did the same after a year of college. Sometimes I think even a taste of that life would give me some perspective and help me figure out if or why I should want to go to college, or if I should think it a privilege to be learning and having your biggest concern be your next test.

I don't even feel the excitement of it being nearly summer in the same way anymore. I'm actually more excited about applying to a decently paying fulltime job for the summer than I am for having free time with no classes.

So, perhaps my timing is off, or the hour is clouding my thoughts, or I am just crazy but I cannot confidently answer the question: What am I doing here?

I don't know....