I'm still young...Right?

Warning: The following blog was formulated by pure emotion and as such the opinions and discussions contained herein are not guaranteed to be coherent. Reader discretion is advised

Emotions... They're not something I like to talk about and rarely do I show anything but happiness. Basically if you took a Vulcan and made him eternally happy you'd get me. Ever the sunny disposition. I'm not even sure I'll be able to communicate what I want to get across because I'll go ahead and say I'm the stereotypical guy when it comes to communicating emotions.

The usual exchange with another person usually entails
Person: Hi! How are you?
Me: Hey! Good. How are you?..........

Good? What does that even mean? How can that one word possibly convey any information? It's just filler. So coming from this emotional vocabulary you'll have to bear with me as I try to put into words how I am feeling.

Being an optimist I choose not to let most things bother me. It takes an awful lot to ruffle my feathers. I also hate complaining about, well anything. I always feel like I have no right to complain when there is always someone worse off. (Except for that one guy who is at the very bottom... That must really suck!) But nonetheless I'm going to complain about something that has been eating away at me for a while.

Relationships. Yeah yeah I know. Oh boy, here comes another one of those relationship woe is me stories. Que up the melancholy violin. And that's just it, I am fighting complaining about this with every word. It's not in my nature to not feel content. I don't want sympathy or pity, but I do.

Those who have known me for any appreciable amount of time know that I have had absolutely no luck with relationships. I didn't have my first relationship until I was a senior in high school. I never even had the cute elementary school "pseudo-girlfriend." No, I was always the guy who wasn't interested in socializing. The one who could spend days at a time in solitude and be perfectly content. I've never been in a relationship longer than a few days over 3 months and my entire collective experience with relationships combined would equate to about 7 1/2 months. One way or another things just never seem to work out. (Hows that for an optimistic statement eh? I just ooze contradiction.)

But what is starting to get to me culminated in what happened today. First some backstory: My summer job search has led me to a real estate job as a field agent. Basically I run errands and photographing runs to the properties and pick up and drop off paperwork from the office. In this office I met two girls, sisters no less, who were both very nice, funny, and I felt almost immediately attracted to them. (Yes I know, you girls are thinking TWO!?!? and you guys are thinking a drawn out sisterrrrrrrs niiiiiice!!! Maybe I was hoping for some spectacular love triangle that would end in a jello fight or a chili cookoff or something. That or improved chance that at least one would not have a boyfriend.) I always enjoyed any encounters I had with them and our exchanges, I thought, were somewhat flirtatious.

This continued on for about two weeks until I walked in today and someone asked if I was going to the annual movie night the office puts on for the team and their families. I hadn't even known it was going on and I, despite the invitation, didn't really plan on going. But realizing an opportunity to see certain people out of the work setting, I decided to ask the two girls if they were going to the movie. They responded that they were and that I should come along. I knew they were probably just being friendly, but I crossed my fingers on the drive home and refreshed my cologne before heading out.

I mingled with the office staff for what seemed like forever until they showed up with one guy in tow. Boyfriend! I knew it! But there was only one! Horray! There was still hope! It was then I was pitched my first curveball of the evening. The gentleman was introduced as not a boyfriend but a husband! WOAH! It caught me a little off guard, but there was still the other sister (wasn't that a movie?) So I struck up a bit of conversation with her and before long she said she was going to go ask her sister to save an extra seat with them for me! Woo hoo!

Next came the screwball. She came back from the theater and cheerfully exclaimed that her sister had saved four seats for me, her, her husband, and her brother. Wha!?!? Husband!?!? You have GOT to be kidding me! Which came out as "Okay Great! Thank you!" It was like not only getting beaned by the pitch but having it count as an out instead of a walk (forgive the baseball analogies that Tom Shane commercial about hitting a game winning grand slam with one of their diamonds has been on the radio alot)

For their parts all of the guys were very nice, but I spent a very quiet movie sitting with them. At the end of the row... Next to the brother....

It got me to thinking. Two of my friends who are close to my age have recently been married. The last 7 people I've lived with were in relationships. I feel like the majority of the people I know are either married, engaged, or dating (in the relationship sense)Despite this I've always felt like I'm still really young. I'm only 20. I haven't even finished college. I enjoy living the bachelor life. etc etc. So then why do I suddenly feel like I've missed the boat? It's as if I missed the day where they taught everyone how to pick out a good person to have a relationship with. I've always thought I just haven't met the right girl for me. But would I know the right one even if she walked into the room with a neon sign blazing "ATTENTION SHANE: HERE SHE IS!!!!" More than that would I even act? I feel jaded.

I always used to joke with my family about how the Mitchell legacy lies on my shoulders since I have no siblings, and my two Mitchell uncles are both unmarried and with no intention to have children. It used to be funny. Its only now that I realize how much I want to have a family. And again my mind yells YOU'RE ONLY FREAKIN 20!!! (My brain doesn't use obscenities) YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS!!! But it's just that I feel like I'm not in the place where most of the other people my age seem to be. I shift back and forth between even having interest in a relationship. How can I expect to have a good relationship with that kind of attitude?

On top of that I'm a yellow bellied coward when it comes to initiating anything that shows I'm interested in someone. Even when they reciprocate. Its as if I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through it. Hows that for attractive? Girls just love that guy who stumbles over hints both obvious and subtle.

I spend a lot of my time thinking about how to be romantic but that's all. A thought experiment that never translates into action. I still believe in chivalry and do my best to follow that code but to what end? I want to be James Bond but I come off more Napoleon Dynamite.

Wow okay, now I'm annoyed by how much I've written about this. Poor little Shane, don't worry though right? I think that's enough on the subject for another couple decades...

At Sea: Alaska Day 8

It’s hard to believe today is already the last day of the cruise. Ketchikan was our last day in port so today was spent entirely at sea on our way to Vancouver where we will disembark early tomorrow morning.

Unfortuantely because it apparently takes years to get a passport renewed, we will have to take a bus from Vancouver to Seattle and fly home from there because you are only allowed to cross the Canadian border without a passport by land if you have a driver's license and birth certificate!

Fortunately we caught some sun today so we were actually able to lay out on the top deck and catch some rays. We also passed a pod of Humpback whales, at least 10 or 15 that put on quite a show, with several breaching, showing their fins and their tails.

We also made use of the remaining punches on James’ ice cream card and had quite a lot of ice-cream to ease the knowledge that the cruise is coming to an end.

Unfortunately I never exchanged contact information with the people I met on this cruise so they will drift back out of my life as quickly as they drifted in.

Overall the cruise was great! I would definitely like to come back to Alaska again someday and for a longer stay!

Ketchikan: Alaska Day 7

Today the ship anchored off the coast of the city of Ketchikan. Since it cannot accommodate more than two cruise ships and we were the third to arrive in Ketchikan that day we had to take a small boat, called a tender, from our ship to the shore. Ketchikan is interesting because it is an active seaplane port, so there were several seaplanes taking off and landing every few minutes.

Once ashore we booked a tour with a jet boat. I was envisioning something like a jetski, but slightly larger, but what we got looked like a bus that could float. But it could also move… QUITE quickly! In fact I’m not sure I have ever been moving that fast on the water before, it was a very fun experience. The boat crew took us way out into the wilderness channels of Ketchikan where many people simply pulled ashore, cleared some trees, and built spectacular retreat houses for themselves. There are even a couple of towns which support no more than 4 or 5 families, and are only accessible by seaplane or by boat. Since there are a lot of people living this way, only accessible by plane or boat, Alaska has the highest percentage of pilots among its citizens of any state. I can definitely see the appeal of living this way. Though true city folk would balk at the idea, there is something about living in a secluded amazing place like a private island in the wilderness of Alaska that is immensely appealing to me!

The day culminated with a return to the launching point of the jetboat, the Salmon Falls lodge and resort. It is an absolutely spectacular resort nestled into a mountainside overlooking a channel of the Pacific Ocean! They have about 16 units available for a stay at the meager price of $2500 PER PERSON for a four day stay with a guided tour!!! That’s not an error 2…5...0…0 as in two and a half grand for four days! I no longer wonder how people can afford to build nice retreats in the wilderness if they’re operating places like that!

Tonight was the second formal night for the cruise as well as a Captain’s party before dinner. I actually got to meet the captain in person and shake his hand, though it was only after the introduction that we realized it was actually him!

Juneau: Alaska Day 6

Today we put in to the port of Juneau. Most people assume that Anchorage is the capital of Alaska, but it is in fact Juneau. Juneau also has the distinction of being the third largest city in the world in terms of total landmass. Only Kiruna (Sweden) and Sitka (Alaska) are larger!

We took a shuttle to a National Park Service Compound on the outskirts of Juneau where apparently there are often sightings of bears. We didn’t see any while we were there, but we did get to see the skins of a brown bear and a black bear at the Ranger Compound.

Bears are scary

Beyond the compound there was a hiking trail that led to an incredible view of another glacier as well as a huge waterfall within a mere few hundred feet of each other! It was quite spectacular though somewhere while climbing out to the waterfall I lost my sunglasses in the rocks!

The Glacier and waterfall

The beach was also very rocky which I loved because I enjoy skipping rocks. Though the first few didn’t work, I did manage a throw of 7 skips which was enough to amaze a Japanese family that was nearby.

Luckily a heavy fog and light rain started rolling in as we were leaving so we caught the weather just right!

Once back on the ship I played a few games of shuffleboard with James. While my understanding of the game is very basic, I don’t see how you can ever win if you’re the first shot because the person who shoots second will always shoot their disc into yours putting it out of play! Or so was the process when playing with James anyway…

James reigns victorious yet again

Tonight was one of the best dinners so far of the cruise and I celebrated by eating a massive plate of king crab legs. The food on the cruise is absolutely incredible. There is always a dish on the dinner menu that would normally be a $30 or $40 affair at a classy restaurant that you could easily get seconds or even thirds of. And the meals are served in four courses but not in oversized portions, so you actually get to enjoy a full four course meal and dessert without feeling like you’re going to explode! That is, unless you stuff yourself full of crab legs and lobster and filet mignon as I have done in the last few nights!

After dinner I challenged my dad to a game, which became several games of ping pong. Though I definitely improved through the course of playing him, I was never able to beat him even though I think we played about 7 or 8 games. I came close though, and now consider myself a table tennis champion so I am open to any challenges. You provide the table, I’ll provide the ass kicking. Friendly ass kicking of course.

It was also interesting because this was the first night that we could really feel the motion of the ship. We first noticed while playing ping pong that the pool was sloshing around like a wave pool. It was a somewhat unsettling feeling even though I have experienced it before!

Skagway: Alaska Day 5

Today we arrived at the town of Skagway. Skagway was born out of the Klondike gold rush of the late 1890’s at for a time was the largest town in Alaska with a population of 20,000 people. After the gold dried up at the turn of the century the population began to dwindle to its current level of 848 residents.

Just after getting off of the boat, we saw a stand where a guy was renting mountain bikes for something like $5 an hour and as we were representing Colorado we decided it was only natural for us to go for a bike ride around Skagway.

The bikes were immaculately maintained which would end up costing me later (more about that soon) so we had a great ride up to a viewpoint where we could look down on the town of Skagway and see the docks where there were 4 cruise ships at anchor. Because the population of Skagway is so small, the cruise ships coming into port effectively increased the population by 8 times while we were there! The ride back down that mountain was SO much fun! Nearly 2 miles of downhill coasting to make up for the hard work it took to scale the mountain!

It was after hitting up the souvenir shops that I ran into trouble. Being from Boulder, I was assumed to be the most adept at bike riding, and so I was nominated to carry a rather large bag containing all of our newly acquired merchandise in one hand, while expertly maneuvering my bike with the other.

This worked reasonably well until we were nearly back to the docks and the ship. Of course it had to happen on the one road to the docks, where everyone coming from or going to the ships passes, as well as the only route for the large tour busses. A slight gust of wind caught the bag and caused it to swing into my front tire. Now this in itself was not enough to do anything but startle me into performing the action that would doom me. I reacted by squeezing the front break handle very hard as I am used to my mountain bike in Boulder which has brakes in need of adjustment. These brakes however were finely adjusted and completely stopped the front tire! As a result I went headfirst over the handlebars and proceeded to flip the bike over on myself, all while my leg had become caught in the pedal.

The resulting wreck was nothing more than an embarrassing situation for me where my greatest concern was gathering up the gummy snacks I had purchased which were now laying in the street, but apparently to the rest of the world I looked like I had broken my leg and was lucky to be conscious. Buses in both directions stopped as well as the throngs of people going to and fro. Even a construction worker across the street stopped his crane and leaned out the window to ask if I needed his assistance. Fortunately for me I got off with nothing more than a scrape on my shoulder that didn’t even tear the shirt, but the contents of that souvenir bag were not so lucky….

The remnants of Dad's Coffee mug

The brake handle of the bike was also bent but still functional and fortunately the owner of the bikes made no mention of it when we returned them.

Later that night, I decided not to regale my new found friends with my tale of gracefulness and instead I decided to give dancing another try. I was pleased to see that my taking the dance floor prompted the arrival of no less than three more girls to dance with me, but I was a sore disappointment to them. No matter how hard I try I just can’t get passed feeling incredibly silly and everything I do feels ridiculous. I’ve decided I don’t need to try to stomp my feet in time to the beat which helped somewhat, but I still have no idea what to do with my hands or the rest of my body for that matter. The girls were polite and put up with it, but I know that I looked quite foolish. Before too long the more skilled and drunken dancers had captured the attention of the girls so I called it a night.

Glacier Bay: Alaska Day 4

Today we got to spend a large portion of the day transiting Glacier Bay. Here massive glaciers stretch from the ice-draped St. Elias and Fairweather mountain ranges to sit at the end of the fjords. The view was absolutely spectacular. We got to see a tidewater glacier that was several hundred feet taller than our ship and 22 miles long. It snakes its way through snow drenched mountains to meet the ocean below.

The view transiting Glacier Bay

We discovered a set of hot tubs on the back of the ship that provided excellent viewing of the glacier and just after we were positioned there we were treated with an incredible display of calving from the glacier. We saw 3 or 4 huge pieces of the glacier break off and tumble into the sea below. Thus, an iceberg is born.

One of the glaciers

During breakfast we ate with a couple of actors from New York! Apparently the woman we met is the person in the Web MD commercial with the curly hair who says “Depression.” Though she has only been in that commercial aside from Broadway plays I still thought it was cool to meet an actress!

This evening we went to a lounge where they were putting on a Family Feud style game show. James and I met several other people around our age and we formed our Feud team, The Barely Legals. I was one of the 5 who went on stage to take on a team of old retired folk. We got absolutely rocked by those seniors, especially after a woman no younger than 75 named herself as an object that performs better when warmed up.

Afterwards I got to know a couple of girls from Georgia, named Shanna and Britney. This was a big success for me as all those who know me well know that I am pitifully shy so talking to two girls simultaneously was a big step for me! I also met a Chinese-Canadian from Vancouver which I thought created an interesting accent.

After the Feud gameshow we went to see an illusionist (magic show but illusionist sounds so much cooler) named Alexander. He was quite impressive! He did several tricks with levitation and disappearance that were very convincing. He also dispelled my theory that the audience members who participated in his tricks were planted when he called my parents up on stage! Alexander works with a scantly clad blond named Heather on most of his tricks and my dad drew laughs from the whole theater when he was asked by Alexander to inspect a large bag and while he was doing so he said “Where’s Heather?” It was hilarious though slightly embarrassing!

To cap off the night James and I went up with our newfound friends to the nightclub of the ship called Skywalkers, as it is on the 16^th deck overlooking the back of the ship. Although it was quite loud because of the DJ there we tried to make conversation which I for once didn’t feel shy about. I also apparently have an honest face as they were carding everyone who was there to make sure they were 18, and I didn’t bring my license, but the guard took my word that I was indeed 20.

Anyway we spent a while talking before someone made a horrifying suggestion. We should go dancing! If you have not seen my attempt at dancing before, it can easily be confused with the motions of Sockem Bopem Robots. Though that might be a little optimistic. Basically I was my usual awkward self and though I was getting smiles, I knew that was because of my pathetic attempt of moving in time to the music and not my incredible moves! So shortly after we headed to bed. Therefore I have decided that I will endeavor to learn to dance, so to those of you who may be reading this, I am willing to learn from anyone willing to teach!

College Fjord: Alaska Day 3

Today we apparently passed through College Fjord, the northernmost point of our voyage. This happened at about 6:30 this morning, so James and I slept through it. We did get to see some amazing views of the snow covered mountains that surround most of the inlets and passages around Alaska. The weather is slightly foggy but it is beautiful nonetheless.

Today we discovered a basketball court on the front part of the ship. Unfortunately I discovered that even while in Alaska; I still am absolutely horrible at basketball. I think I was making a basket once in about every 15 or 20 shots! James and I then had some insane one on one action until we reached a thrilling 2-2 tie!

Tonight was a formal night, so I donned my tux and attempted my best Daniel Craig James Bond impression. Although most people seem to despise dressing up I must admit that I do actually get some enjoyment out of it. I enjoy acting suave and sophisticated from time to time and there’s something about wearing a tux that makes that feel easier to pull off. We got some pretty amusing photos of the occasion.

00's are on the ship!

Me and my parents, quite a smashing bunch wouldn't you say?

The Alaskan Railroad: Alaska Day 2

Today we boarded a train at the Anchorage rail station and headed to Whittier where we will board our ship, the Diamond Princess. A formidable sounding vessel I know. The trainride up was very scenic with spectacular snow capped mountains dipping down through low hanging clouds into the water!

However, I made the mistake of letting slip that I was a Pre-Med/Biology major at CU which apparently entitles all of the older passengers of the train to attempt to assert their opinions on how your life should take shape. The first gentleman was a devoted Creationist and spent a half hour chatting with me about how evolution was impossible, and that there are many scientists who are afraid to admit it. I am the type of person who is very tolerant of different viewpoints, so his attempts to put down science and push Creationism made me quite uncomfortable. Fortunately he was the type that just talked and expected you to listen, so I just swallowed my discomfort and smiled and nodded.

Not 10 minutes after my discussion with him, another man confronted me and said that he was a Biologist and had overheard my conversation with the Creationist and asked what I thought of him. Ever the diplomat, I simply replied that he was nice before the Biologist launched into his defenses of science. It was a quite interesting experience. I find it remarkable how many differing opinions there are and how passionately some people stick to them.

Anyway we arrived at the ship shortly before noon and were among the first thirty people to board the boat. The Diamond Princess is a 16 deck 110,000 ton ship with 6 swimming pools 10 hot tubs, 4 restaurants, a video arcade, and basically everything that can feasibly be placed on a boat.

Our ship, the Diamond Princess

James and I have our own cabin two decks above my parents, so needless to say it will become a happenin’ crash pad.

We spent most of the first day exploring the ship and unpacking in our cabin. Oh and eating. It is pretty much safe to assume that between all of the activities I will hereafter discuss that we were eating. The food is AMAZING! There is a 24 hour buffet and a daily ice cream Sunday bar! I am very excited!

The Journey: Alaska Day 1

Today we finally arrived in Anchorage after a long day of traveling. For me the day began shortly after I finished my final Maymester Spanish test. After the test was over I scurried back to my apartment, collected the bags that I had packed the night before as a way of procrastinating studying and headed home to meet my parents and pick up James.

Unfortunately 45 minutes and 50 miles later I realized that I had forgotten my birth certificate, which unfortunately because getting a passport renewed apparently takes several years, I needed to board the cruise. So I got to drive all the way back to Boulder for a single scrap of paper. At least James was there to give me some company. I suppose it was a lovely day for a drive.

Upon arriving at DIA we made the discovery that the train that runs between the terminals has had its music and voiceover changed! Instead of a female voice informing you that your big rump is delaying the departure of this train, it is now a man’s voice that loosely resembles the voice of the Avalanche announcer at the Pepsi Center. And the music has been upgraded to a rock ditty! Needless to say it was the highlight of the airport segment of the journey

The first leg of the journey was a 3 hour flight to Seattle which passed rather uneventfully save for the rather spirited arguments about Pokemon coming from the row behind me. From what I gathered, Pokemon with fire abilities are the best!

For the second leg we bought passes on Continental so we had to leave the terminal and pass through security again. I got my first pat down in quite some time, because my ticket came up with the mark of doom: SSSS emblazoned across the ticket. So we boarded the plane and flew into the sunset. For 3 hours… And then it got brighter… We landed in Alaska at about 11:30 local time, and still had about an hour of daylight left before a few hours of twilight and a sunrise at around 3am.

If you’re ever staying in the Mariott hotel in Anchorage, I challenge you to remove the wrapping from one of the free suckers they have at the front desk. If you can, you are a more talented person than I!

Picking Up The Pieces...

Well the semester is over and grades are in. It is as I feared, my lack of focus in the past few years since coming to college has taken its toll this semester. My GPA continues to creep lower and I am more doubtful and confused than ever as to the direction my life is heading.

I keep telling myself it'll all work out in the end and that I just have to keep plugging along until it does. That's also what I told myself about Chemistry this semester. If you aren't already aware, I enjoy Chemistry about as much as getting smacked when I'm horribly sunburned. Wait, that's not fair, sunburn smackdowns are rather pleasant by comparison. Anyway the point is I detest Chemistry, and combining that with a lack of motivation proved to be a lethal combination for me this time around. Unfortunately I picked a major that deems Chemistry a necessary river to cross and instead I got swept away.

This is the first time I've ever legitimately failed a class. As in, I can't move on unless I retake it. I was going insane trying to make it through the first time so I can't even begin to fathom how I'm supposed to do it all again and this time do it better.

I consider myself to be a fairly rational individual. I understand that there is so much more to life than all of the little pressures and requirements we create for ourselves. But I'll admit, when I got my grades I freaked out. To the point of in my desperation actually meeting with an admissions advisor to a technical institute and reviewing the procedure of withdrawing from school. I was done with college, at least the state run kind. I couldn't cut it. I was ready to tuck my tail between my legs and give up.

But luckily I talked with my parents (thanks mom and dad) and slept on it and by morning I felt silly for ever having gotten so worked up about this situation in the first place. Maybe I'm not doomed to be a hobo who is ridiculed by all those who passed Chemistry.

I do feel better about things now, but I still have nights where I'm a little depressed. I just feel like everything is out of control and the days just fly by so fast I don't have time to think and figure out what I'm supposed to do!

I wish life would just give me a break for a little while and stop pitching knuckleballs!

But when all is said and done at the end of the day, I feel like I have no right to complain when there are so many more people out there who have such worse problems and yet they're able to keep going. Unfortunately though whenever I have this thought it makes me feel worse because I feel bad for feeling bad... *sigh*

At least the weather's nice...

My Heart Is On My Sleeve

As yet another semester of college winds to a close, I've been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on where I'm going and how I got here. I feel like I've been finding more questions than answers. And so I jump off into the deep end...

Coming out of high school I felt like I had the world figured out. I had great grades, close friends, and guaranteed admittance to a fairly competitive engineering program. I wanted to enlist in the military as a way to participate in something that I feel is a cause worth pursuing but being a diabetic eliminated that choice immediately. And of course the idea that going to college was some immutable destiny was firmly planted in my head. College was just the next natural step after High School. It seemed like not going to college would be like volunteering to be homeless and I figured that since I had sailed through High School, I would soon be acing college classes as well. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The truth is I've not taken to the adjustment well at all. My grades have fallen off substantially from where they were in High School and seem to be declining still. The worst part is, I don't really care. Its not even a matter of being distracted or not having enough time, I just don't have interest. I've changed majors but I'm beginning to wonder if that even did anything to address the problem.

Maybe I didn't come in with the right attitude, I feel like my entire college experience has been disenchanted. My parents never went through the whole college experience and I have no older siblings to give me an idea of what things were going to be like. I often feel like I should be doing something greater with my time, something that would be far more valuable than hitting the books and sitting through lectures day in and day out. I got more satisfaction out of disassembling and repairing a DVD player (which I had never done before) the other day than I have from any of the highest grades I've received. I definitely do not feel like I am getting full value of my time here. Most of the people I have known well in my life have essentially told me that they have never doubted my ability to succeed, and I suppose I still don't either but as best as I can put it I don't want to.

I feel like college is comprised of work that I don't want to do and whine about doing. All I want to do is get the best possible grades with the least amount of work. I'm constantly looking for shortcuts and ways to get that easy A. I don't think paying thirty thousand a year to try and fool the Chemistry department is a good deal. I feel as though I am drifting with no perspective, or drive, or motivation. I don't feel like I am taking advantage of my time in college.

I've come to the conclusion that success is not a six figure salary, a luxurious home, a sweet ride, recognition, a degree, or even a family. Success is living the way you want to live! As much as I would like to find it I don't think there is a universal formula for success. But I do know that I'm only here because I feel like I should be here, not because I want to be. I feel like I should be traveling the world or hell even just working a job to try and support myself without my parents help. I never even had my first job until coming to college and that makes me feel somehow lacking. My mother moved away from home and started her life in the "real" world when she was only 18 and never looked back. My father did the same after a year of college. Sometimes I think even a taste of that life would give me some perspective and help me figure out if or why I should want to go to college, or if I should think it a privilege to be learning and having your biggest concern be your next test.

I don't even feel the excitement of it being nearly summer in the same way anymore. I'm actually more excited about applying to a decently paying fulltime job for the summer than I am for having free time with no classes.

So, perhaps my timing is off, or the hour is clouding my thoughts, or I am just crazy but I cannot confidently answer the question: What am I doing here?

I don't know....

Something More Cheerful.! Plus it'll Entertain You if You're Bored!

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Trying to Cope...

It has been about 38 hours since the news...

I still can't sleep well but I finally had a full meal tonight...

I am crushed.

I can't concentrate on school it's so trivial... Who the fuck cares about Chemical Equilibrium or any of that other stuff. It's nothing.

It takes every ounce of my strength to keep my composure and to be able to laugh or smile through the tears I hold back.

But it comes in waves... Disbelief... Anger... Sadness... Acceptance...

To my friends and family: Thank you so much for all of the support, messages, and phone calls! It has really helped me attempt to make sense of this and begin to find the strength to move on. Michael, you have been a tremendous friend and I appreciate it so much! Thank you again everyone!

Life goes on.......

In Memory of Tosha

I don't know where or how to begin... How can you sum up a life in words? Tosha you were more than just my cousin you were a wonderful, beautiful person. I hope you knew how much you were loved. I still can't really believe you are gone... It's hard knowing that all I have left is a name in my cell phone that no longer lets me hear your voice on the other end of it. You were one of the most fun and good natured people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and you were always there for me when I needed advice or someone to talk to. You were an inspiration to me of what the rewards could be for making it through college. You were the type of person I strive to be. I marveled at your accomplisments and how quickly you reached them. I loved your writing and your sense of humour.

I don't think I will ever understand why. But I will always cherish the memories I have.

I remember you visiting 6 or 7 years ago and playing Mario Kart 64 with me and you finding out I had been letting you win and making me play you again without holding anything back.

I remember camping with you in Vail when the huge hailstorm came through and flooded our camp. How we were all just content to sit in the tent and listen to the rain and my attempt at playing guitar. I'm much better now...

Having a picture taken with you when you convinced me to put on a fuzzy pink bathrobe and bunny slippers. I don't think I ever saw the picture but I remember having it taken and how funny we thought it would be.

All the tours you gave us of San Francisco and all of the walks on the beach. You seemed to know every cool random fact about the city and all of the cool places.

The night we sang karoke together and the song we picked totally bombed but we didn't care and just laughed it off.

I can't believe I'll never get to see you again... You will be missed by the many people whose lives you touched. I hope that you are at peace now.

I love you...

Stand By Travel ROCKS!!!

So as yet another Christmas break winds to a close I decided I would sneak away to Hawaii to relax away the last week of my vacation and because I'm awfully sick of snow by this point!

I arrived at the airport Saturday morning and got off to a rocky start. While I do consider myself respectful of the many races and cultures represented in the United States, I do find it extremely frustrating when the person who is supposed to check your bag doesn't speak enough passable English to be able to help you should a problem occur. And of course for me a problem occured. Apparently because there was an equipment change with the aircraft on the portion of my trip from San Fransisco to Honolulu it made me unable to check in on the computer terminals at the baggage check. I had already checked in online but I needed to check in again to print baggage tags for the flight. I could not get the AirServ employee to understand what my problem was and so after about 10 very irritating minutes I gave up on him and went to the other side of the check in area where there was another bag check.

Fortunately here the AirServ employee spoke English and although my problem just confused her as well, she at least took me over to the First Class desk where actual United Agents were working. For them it was not a problem and my bag was finally checked and I could be on my way!

In the security lines I had to laugh at a woman talking on the phone about how she was waiting in the "longest security line ever", even though the queue was still within the turnstyles and I have traveled before when the security lines extended all the way into the baggage claim.

It was after I got to the gate my luck began to change! Because my mom is a flight attendant, I fly standby and I get whatever the best empty seat available is based on my Mom's seinority. I was lucky enough to get First Class to San Fran which was definitely nice. I was addressed as Mr. Mitchell by the flight attendants, and enjoyed an actual choice for lunch between Ty Chicken Salad and a Turkey Sandwich. Although I asked for the Chicken Salad, of course too many people ordered that and I suppose because I look like someone who wouldn't fall to pieces over not getting a salad, they asked me to take the bullet and have Turkey instead. I gladly obliged.

Fortunately the equipment change in San Francisco was a substitution of a 747 instead of a 767, one of those big planes with the upper deck bubble for Business class! As luck would have it I wound up with a seat in business class for the over the water flight to Honolulu! It was awesome! There were three buttons devoted just to the configuration of the chair, one for the seat back, one for the leg rest, and one for the footrest. This made it possible to manipulate your chair to stretch out enough for you to nearly entirely lay down and was the most comfortable flight I've ever taken. Add to that the fact that the seats had a back massager and a TV screen that folds out of the armrest with 10 channels! They also served Mahi Mahi in some kind of Alfredo like sauce which was amazing! I was in as close to heaven as you can get while flying in an aluminium tube!

Yesterday morning I got up and went to Bellows Marine Air Station which is my favorite beach but is only open to the public on weekends for an awesome day of Boogie Boarding. There was a high surf advisory for all eastern facing shores (of which Bellows is one) so the waves were cookin' and quite thrilling. I also made a pyramid of sand balls to establish my credibility as a beach guru to the amazment of the other tourists at the beach! It was a little weird to go by myself and wish I had someone to share the experience with but it was still fun! Unfortunately the next few days are supposed to be impacted by rare Hawaiian thunderstorms, so I may not get back out to the beach for a little while...