Well the semester is over and grades are in. It is as I feared, my lack of focus in the past few years since coming to college has taken its toll this semester. My GPA continues to creep lower and I am more doubtful and confused than ever as to the direction my life is heading.
I keep telling myself it'll all work out in the end and that I just have to keep plugging along until it does. That's also what I told myself about Chemistry this semester. If you aren't already aware, I enjoy Chemistry about as much as getting smacked when I'm horribly sunburned. Wait, that's not fair, sunburn smackdowns are rather pleasant by comparison. Anyway the point is I detest Chemistry, and combining that with a lack of motivation proved to be a lethal combination for me this time around. Unfortunately I picked a major that deems Chemistry a necessary river to cross and instead I got swept away.
This is the first time I've ever legitimately failed a class. As in, I can't move on unless I retake it. I was going insane trying to make it through the first time so I can't even begin to fathom how I'm supposed to do it all again and this time do it better.
I consider myself to be a fairly rational individual. I understand that there is so much more to life than all of the little pressures and requirements we create for ourselves. But I'll admit, when I got my grades I freaked out. To the point of in my desperation actually meeting with an admissions advisor to a technical institute and reviewing the procedure of withdrawing from school. I was done with college, at least the state run kind. I couldn't cut it. I was ready to tuck my tail between my legs and give up.
But luckily I talked with my parents (thanks mom and dad) and slept on it and by morning I felt silly for ever having gotten so worked up about this situation in the first place. Maybe I'm not doomed to be a hobo who is ridiculed by all those who passed Chemistry.
I do feel better about things now, but I still have nights where I'm a little depressed. I just feel like everything is out of control and the days just fly by so fast I don't have time to think and figure out what I'm supposed to do!
I wish life would just give me a break for a little while and stop pitching knuckleballs!
But when all is said and done at the end of the day, I feel like I have no right to complain when there are so many more people out there who have such worse problems and yet they're able to keep going. Unfortunately though whenever I have this thought it makes me feel worse because I feel bad for feeling bad... *sigh*
At least the weather's nice...
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
My Heart Is On My Sleeve
As yet another semester of college winds to a close, I've been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on where I'm going and how I got here. I feel like I've been finding more questions than answers. And so I jump off into the deep end...
Coming out of high school I felt like I had the world figured out. I had great grades, close friends, and guaranteed admittance to a fairly competitive engineering program. I wanted to enlist in the military as a way to participate in something that I feel is a cause worth pursuing but being a diabetic eliminated that choice immediately. And of course the idea that going to college was some immutable destiny was firmly planted in my head. College was just the next natural step after High School. It seemed like not going to college would be like volunteering to be homeless and I figured that since I had sailed through High School, I would soon be acing college classes as well. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The truth is I've not taken to the adjustment well at all. My grades have fallen off substantially from where they were in High School and seem to be declining still. The worst part is, I don't really care. Its not even a matter of being distracted or not having enough time, I just don't have interest. I've changed majors but I'm beginning to wonder if that even did anything to address the problem.
Maybe I didn't come in with the right attitude, I feel like my entire college experience has been disenchanted. My parents never went through the whole college experience and I have no older siblings to give me an idea of what things were going to be like. I often feel like I should be doing something greater with my time, something that would be far more valuable than hitting the books and sitting through lectures day in and day out. I got more satisfaction out of disassembling and repairing a DVD player (which I had never done before) the other day than I have from any of the highest grades I've received. I definitely do not feel like I am getting full value of my time here. Most of the people I have known well in my life have essentially told me that they have never doubted my ability to succeed, and I suppose I still don't either but as best as I can put it I don't want to.
I feel like college is comprised of work that I don't want to do and whine about doing. All I want to do is get the best possible grades with the least amount of work. I'm constantly looking for shortcuts and ways to get that easy A. I don't think paying thirty thousand a year to try and fool the Chemistry department is a good deal. I feel as though I am drifting with no perspective, or drive, or motivation. I don't feel like I am taking advantage of my time in college.
I've come to the conclusion that success is not a six figure salary, a luxurious home, a sweet ride, recognition, a degree, or even a family. Success is living the way you want to live! As much as I would like to find it I don't think there is a universal formula for success. But I do know that I'm only here because I feel like I should be here, not because I want to be. I feel like I should be traveling the world or hell even just working a job to try and support myself without my parents help. I never even had my first job until coming to college and that makes me feel somehow lacking. My mother moved away from home and started her life in the "real" world when she was only 18 and never looked back. My father did the same after a year of college. Sometimes I think even a taste of that life would give me some perspective and help me figure out if or why I should want to go to college, or if I should think it a privilege to be learning and having your biggest concern be your next test.
I don't even feel the excitement of it being nearly summer in the same way anymore. I'm actually more excited about applying to a decently paying fulltime job for the summer than I am for having free time with no classes.
So, perhaps my timing is off, or the hour is clouding my thoughts, or I am just crazy but I cannot confidently answer the question: What am I doing here?
I don't know....
Coming out of high school I felt like I had the world figured out. I had great grades, close friends, and guaranteed admittance to a fairly competitive engineering program. I wanted to enlist in the military as a way to participate in something that I feel is a cause worth pursuing but being a diabetic eliminated that choice immediately. And of course the idea that going to college was some immutable destiny was firmly planted in my head. College was just the next natural step after High School. It seemed like not going to college would be like volunteering to be homeless and I figured that since I had sailed through High School, I would soon be acing college classes as well. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The truth is I've not taken to the adjustment well at all. My grades have fallen off substantially from where they were in High School and seem to be declining still. The worst part is, I don't really care. Its not even a matter of being distracted or not having enough time, I just don't have interest. I've changed majors but I'm beginning to wonder if that even did anything to address the problem.
Maybe I didn't come in with the right attitude, I feel like my entire college experience has been disenchanted. My parents never went through the whole college experience and I have no older siblings to give me an idea of what things were going to be like. I often feel like I should be doing something greater with my time, something that would be far more valuable than hitting the books and sitting through lectures day in and day out. I got more satisfaction out of disassembling and repairing a DVD player (which I had never done before) the other day than I have from any of the highest grades I've received. I definitely do not feel like I am getting full value of my time here. Most of the people I have known well in my life have essentially told me that they have never doubted my ability to succeed, and I suppose I still don't either but as best as I can put it I don't want to.
I feel like college is comprised of work that I don't want to do and whine about doing. All I want to do is get the best possible grades with the least amount of work. I'm constantly looking for shortcuts and ways to get that easy A. I don't think paying thirty thousand a year to try and fool the Chemistry department is a good deal. I feel as though I am drifting with no perspective, or drive, or motivation. I don't feel like I am taking advantage of my time in college.
I've come to the conclusion that success is not a six figure salary, a luxurious home, a sweet ride, recognition, a degree, or even a family. Success is living the way you want to live! As much as I would like to find it I don't think there is a universal formula for success. But I do know that I'm only here because I feel like I should be here, not because I want to be. I feel like I should be traveling the world or hell even just working a job to try and support myself without my parents help. I never even had my first job until coming to college and that makes me feel somehow lacking. My mother moved away from home and started her life in the "real" world when she was only 18 and never looked back. My father did the same after a year of college. Sometimes I think even a taste of that life would give me some perspective and help me figure out if or why I should want to go to college, or if I should think it a privilege to be learning and having your biggest concern be your next test.
I don't even feel the excitement of it being nearly summer in the same way anymore. I'm actually more excited about applying to a decently paying fulltime job for the summer than I am for having free time with no classes.
So, perhaps my timing is off, or the hour is clouding my thoughts, or I am just crazy but I cannot confidently answer the question: What am I doing here?
I don't know....
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