Warning: The following blog was formulated by pure emotion and as such the opinions and discussions contained herein are not guaranteed to be coherent. Reader discretion is advised
Emotions... They're not something I like to talk about and rarely do I show anything but happiness. Basically if you took a Vulcan and made him eternally happy you'd get me. Ever the sunny disposition. I'm not even sure I'll be able to communicate what I want to get across because I'll go ahead and say I'm the stereotypical guy when it comes to communicating emotions.
The usual exchange with another person usually entails
Person: Hi! How are you?
Me: Hey! Good. How are you?..........
Good? What does that even mean? How can that one word possibly convey any information? It's just filler. So coming from this emotional vocabulary you'll have to bear with me as I try to put into words how I am feeling.
Being an optimist I choose not to let most things bother me. It takes an awful lot to ruffle my feathers. I also hate complaining about, well anything. I always feel like I have no right to complain when there is always someone worse off. (Except for that one guy who is at the very bottom... That must really suck!) But nonetheless I'm going to complain about something that has been eating away at me for a while.
Relationships. Yeah yeah I know. Oh boy, here comes another one of those relationship woe is me stories. Que up the melancholy violin. And that's just it, I am fighting complaining about this with every word. It's not in my nature to not feel content. I don't want sympathy or pity, but I do.
Those who have known me for any appreciable amount of time know that I have had absolutely no luck with relationships. I didn't have my first relationship until I was a senior in high school. I never even had the cute elementary school "pseudo-girlfriend." No, I was always the guy who wasn't interested in socializing. The one who could spend days at a time in solitude and be perfectly content. I've never been in a relationship longer than a few days over 3 months and my entire collective experience with relationships combined would equate to about 7 1/2 months. One way or another things just never seem to work out. (Hows that for an optimistic statement eh? I just ooze contradiction.)
But what is starting to get to me culminated in what happened today. First some backstory: My summer job search has led me to a real estate job as a field agent. Basically I run errands and photographing runs to the properties and pick up and drop off paperwork from the office. In this office I met two girls, sisters no less, who were both very nice, funny, and I felt almost immediately attracted to them. (Yes I know, you girls are thinking TWO!?!? and you guys are thinking a drawn out sisterrrrrrrs niiiiiice!!! Maybe I was hoping for some spectacular love triangle that would end in a jello fight or a chili cookoff or something. That or improved chance that at least one would not have a boyfriend.) I always enjoyed any encounters I had with them and our exchanges, I thought, were somewhat flirtatious.
This continued on for about two weeks until I walked in today and someone asked if I was going to the annual movie night the office puts on for the team and their families. I hadn't even known it was going on and I, despite the invitation, didn't really plan on going. But realizing an opportunity to see certain people out of the work setting, I decided to ask the two girls if they were going to the movie. They responded that they were and that I should come along. I knew they were probably just being friendly, but I crossed my fingers on the drive home and refreshed my cologne before heading out.
I mingled with the office staff for what seemed like forever until they showed up with one guy in tow. Boyfriend! I knew it! But there was only one! Horray! There was still hope! It was then I was pitched my first curveball of the evening. The gentleman was introduced as not a boyfriend but a husband! WOAH! It caught me a little off guard, but there was still the other sister (wasn't that a movie?) So I struck up a bit of conversation with her and before long she said she was going to go ask her sister to save an extra seat with them for me! Woo hoo!
Next came the screwball. She came back from the theater and cheerfully exclaimed that her sister had saved four seats for me, her, her husband, and her brother. Wha!?!? Husband!?!? You have GOT to be kidding me! Which came out as "Okay Great! Thank you!" It was like not only getting beaned by the pitch but having it count as an out instead of a walk (forgive the baseball analogies that Tom Shane commercial about hitting a game winning grand slam with one of their diamonds has been on the radio alot)
For their parts all of the guys were very nice, but I spent a very quiet movie sitting with them. At the end of the row... Next to the brother....
It got me to thinking. Two of my friends who are close to my age have recently been married. The last 7 people I've lived with were in relationships. I feel like the majority of the people I know are either married, engaged, or dating (in the relationship sense)Despite this I've always felt like I'm still really young. I'm only 20. I haven't even finished college. I enjoy living the bachelor life. etc etc. So then why do I suddenly feel like I've missed the boat? It's as if I missed the day where they taught everyone how to pick out a good person to have a relationship with. I've always thought I just haven't met the right girl for me. But would I know the right one even if she walked into the room with a neon sign blazing "ATTENTION SHANE: HERE SHE IS!!!!" More than that would I even act? I feel jaded.
I always used to joke with my family about how the Mitchell legacy lies on my shoulders since I have no siblings, and my two Mitchell uncles are both unmarried and with no intention to have children. It used to be funny. Its only now that I realize how much I want to have a family. And again my mind yells YOU'RE ONLY FREAKIN 20!!! (My brain doesn't use obscenities) YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS!!! But it's just that I feel like I'm not in the place where most of the other people my age seem to be. I shift back and forth between even having interest in a relationship. How can I expect to have a good relationship with that kind of attitude?
On top of that I'm a yellow bellied coward when it comes to initiating anything that shows I'm interested in someone. Even when they reciprocate. Its as if I need someone to hold my hand and walk me through it. Hows that for attractive? Girls just love that guy who stumbles over hints both obvious and subtle.
I spend a lot of my time thinking about how to be romantic but that's all. A thought experiment that never translates into action. I still believe in chivalry and do my best to follow that code but to what end? I want to be James Bond but I come off more Napoleon Dynamite.
Wow okay, now I'm annoyed by how much I've written about this. Poor little Shane, don't worry though right? I think that's enough on the subject for another couple decades...
